


Soft

by GiantEyedCrow



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes is adjusting to the new century, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Peggy Carter is a good friend, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is gay and scared, i'll add tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 07:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20484917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiantEyedCrow/pseuds/GiantEyedCrow
Summary: The world was cruel to Steve. Dropped him on the hot asphalt one summer with a crapped out pair of lungs, not even half the size of all the other kids on the block. He was a daisy, compared to the rest of them. Becoming a lab rat, then the world's first super-soldier-- the most legendary, at that, fixed his lungs. It put some weight on him, made him a lot taller, too. But that didn't erase those parts of him, the soft ones.





	Soft

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Use of homophobic language/Displays of homophobic mentalities

“Steve, for the love of Jesus Andrew Christ, our holy lord and savior, what on his green earth is wrong with you?”

The floor looked different with a couple more scratches in the wooden boards and a few more nails jutting out awkwardly. But Peggy’s shoes— she wore boots like every other worker on the base. But they were a deep red despite the scuffs and the fading. Mixed up with the dirt caked into them from the day, it must’ve looked like the color of the blood leaking out of my face.

The floorboards, they were scuffed.

“Steve,” Peggy’s voice went all gentle. It wasn’t a tone anybody heard all that much; come to think of it, she may have only used it on me. Peggy Carter, in all her strength and valor, had no pressing reason to be soft on anyone. She sat down on the very edge of the bunk where I was sitting, and I watched as she smoothed out her green skirt, legs folded gracefully. “I understand that terrible gash on your face will be healed over by tomorrow afternoon but— didn’t it hurt?”

“A little.” The rest of my words got caught up in my throat. I couldn’t afford to choke anything out, so I kept them down to a bare minimum. 

“I’m sure it did. And did you really have to advance with little backup, or did you just decide to, likely without thinking?” Her voice may have been soft, but Carter was just as stern. Nobody could ever bullshit her. 

“I guess I’m getting arrogant, maybe.”

“Steve Grant Rogers, please look me in the eyes.” The floorboards, Peggy’s boots, her green skirt— they were all nice colors together. 

Peggy gathered what she could of my face without getting blood on her hands and brought her gaze down on me. Her deep brown eyes overflowed with concern. “When have you ever been an arrogant man? You can’t convince me, Captain Rogers. You can’t. There’s no glory in coming back to camp with a ugly gash in your face because you did something stupid.”

My eyes wandered towards the corner of the room, searching for cobwebs, of course. But she pulled at my face and kept those eyes on me. It felt like she was staring into my soul.

“You’re hurting yourself, Steve. I know you’re reckless and you refuse to follow rules and take orders but— look at you.” She shook her head and finally let go of my face before placing her hands near her knees again. 

“The scars don’t last, remember?” I spoke in a low mumble

Peggy shook her head, looking hurt before closing her eyes and grabbing my hand, and she used those eyes on me again. They were filled up with something that looked like it was almost hurt. Sympathy, I think.

“Steve, you don’t have to lie to me. I know you lie about it every day, but you don’t have to lie to me.” She squeezed my hand a little tighter and a raw pain, hot like hell, blossomed in my chest. I didn’t let it get the better of me. I couldn’t let tears fill into my eyes, let the sobs didn’t escape my throat; that made me prissy. That let her know about the truth.

“I love you so much because you’re so... softhearted. Gentle. We’re such good friends because of how wonderfully soft and strong you are at the same time,” both of her hands wrapped around my wrist, and she leaned forward a little, eyes focused and intent despite her voice being so soft. “You’re so sensitive, and so strong. And I know not many take to kindly to the first part but—” She lowered her voice into a whisper, and leaned even closer. “I’m not going to call you a poof, Steve.”

The dam broke, and my shoulders collapsed inwards. My tears were hot and furious streaming down my cheek; they were sad, and frustrated, resentful, hating, hurt; such a relief to let go of. “Not a fairy, either— it’s alright Steve. I know already, and I love you all the same.” An ugly sob escaped me, and all the tension in my throat was gone. In truth, I hadn’t cried aloud in years. I forgot how it felt. 

Peggy wrapped her arms around me and gave me one of the tightest hugs I’d ever had. The first one since hours before Bucky fell. “Steve. I know the serum can protect you in almost every way you can imagine, but  _ you are still mortal. _ You can die, and today... I thought you might. You’re scaring me and the rest of the Howlies.” She squeezed tighter, and I just cried harder, listening to the strong, slow and deep breaths that filled in and out of her chest. “We’ve already lost Sergeant Barnes, and I don’t know what I’d do if we lost both of you in the same month.”

I was too choked up to talk for too long. Stupid and tired and not much other than a hot mess. But in all my ugliness and hurt, Peggy held me tight. Nothing was gonna be okay, she couldn’t make it that way. But I clung to her like I did Bucky when I thought I’d die. Like she was my mother when I thought everyone in the world other than her thought I was vile, and I cried. I sobbed, hurt and  _ ugly _ , and she held me. “It’s okay. It's okay.”

“I loved him. Sometimes I forgot I couldn’t marry him, or hold his hand or kiss him in front of everyone.” Admitting it felt like ripping out stitches, undoing one after the other, slowly exposing a mass of muscle and bone. “I always thought I was gonna die first, damn it if I hurt him like that. Before the serum, I thought if I found out Bucky Barnes was dead, I’d have a heart attack or my lungs would constrict and it would kill me. I wished I could be a girl for a year so could marry him.” I couldn’t stop stuttering all of those secrets out. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shut myself up. For that single moment, Peggy Carter was my priest. And I wanted her to know every single last one of my sins by the time I left the confessional booth. “Because— because if Bucky died, or if he was taken away from me, I’d be alone like this. Filthy and alone.”

“Steve—“

“Peggy.” I cut her off and pulled away, looking her dead in the eyes. If I ended up in prison and she couldn’t get me out; if I ended up in hell when she was in heaven— she had to know. “We wished we could get married. We danced together, kissed, and shared a bed before the war.”

“But you loved him, didn’t you?” A weighted silence filled into the space between us. Her eyes were dead serious. “You loved Bucky. Said you wanted to marry him, yes?”

Wiping away my tears only for more to come, I only gave her a small nod. 

“That’s all that matters. You’re not being treated fairly, but listen to me— love is not my choice, not a judge’s choice or the army’s choice— it’s not your choice either.” I always thought it was, and I was ashamed. No matter what ma told me, I hated myself for it. Listening to her, crying, letting her hold onto me; it made me a fairy anyway. I spent so many hours with my knees pressed into the floorboards at church, with my eyes squeezed shut so hard in fear of letting the tears out. Asking God how he could do this to me, furious. Then begging for forgiveness after blaming him and asking him to fix me, make me whole. “There are distinguished gentlemen, and gentlewomen, and other fine gents winning our war, and they cannot choose who they love either, or how they feel, God help my dear Alan.”

“You really believe that?”

“I know it. Who you love is not the issue.”

I looked up at her, tired, and let her see the blood and tears staining my skin.. “It— it hurts  _ so much _ , Peggy. I’m never gonna see him again.” 

“Not in this life. But Steve, look at me.” Her voice was stern again, eyes hardened, dripping with concern. “Bucky would not want you to do this to yourself. You can’t get drunk, thank god, but the adrenaline is not worth it.” She poked at the slash moving from inches below my eye to my jaw. “You’re self destructing in any way you can. And Bucky protected you before the war because he didn’t want you to go out and get yourself killed. This is not what he would have wanted, this is not something he would have let you do.” She gave a gentle laugh, like she was thinking of Bucky chasing after me into an alleyway where I’d inevitably get my ass kicked. “Do not make me drag you in for psychological evaluation.”

Drying my tears was useless. More fell, this time a little quieter, but— horrible sadness wasn’t there anymore. “You’re going to be alright Steve. You’re going to be just fine.” 

Peggy somehow always knew what to say.


End file.
